Tuesday, May 9, 2017

Say Whut?


Been sitting here this morning trying to think of a new story beginning, and I found myself muttering, "I just don't know where to begin. I have nothing to say." And that made me smile queerly and laugh a little. I've rarely, to my memory, thought of myself as a writer "with a message"--I have no special wisdom to impart. I see myself as a story-teller, and if my work has any kind of theme it is that of being an Outsider. Sesqua Valley itself, over ye years, has come to represent ye Outsider motif--something or someone who exist outside of normality. "Normality" is a curious idea as far as human mentality is concerned. I suppose, for me, it means those who never have to stop and think about their place in society, because they fit so snugly in ye system. Yet that seems too simple a concept, and people who seem to "fit in" may indeed be monsters, murderers or rapists. 


For me, being an Outsider came from being a gay child; and I didn't know I was a freak until society pointed it out and punish'd me for it. I liked playing with dolls as a kid, and I wou'd innocently carry one of my sister's small dolls in my pants or jacket pocket when I went to grade school. Instead of being told directly that I was weird, grownups would pull me aside and ask things like, "Why do you do that?" or "Why are you like that?" Being sexually ignorant and innocent, I had no idea what "that" was; I knew only that I was bullied for "being a girl." My father punished me once by pushing me into the bathroom and forcing me toi bathe one of my sister's dolls in the sink. This didn't stop me from playing with dolls, it just made me more secretive in doing so. I'm surprised that dolls don't figure more in my weird fiction. 

So I'm gonna stop trying to think of story ideas and go back to my armchair and read. Later, when it begins to warm up, I'll go outside and do a wee bit of yard work. Or maybe I'll really shock myself and begin writing a new wee thing! Perhaps if I watch a video of when I was in a writing mood it may inspire me! Usually, these days, watching my videos just makes me happy that I am no longer able to record yem on YouTube. I behave like such a goon...



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